You Exist

I dress up. Check myself in the mirror twice, before leaving home. A spring to my step, a song on my lips, I am off to work. My radio plays the perfect songs. Twenty one new emails on the screen. I lock it & head for the canteen. To start my day with a dose of caffeine. And to catch a glimpse of you, if I am fortunate. Will you be there? Searching eyes, fluttering heart. Yes, I spot you sitting across the table. Suddenly conscious of your presence, and of mine, I cannot bring myself to look at you.  Am I in love?

As I sit there with my drink, dwindling my phone, it vibrates. A text from the Husband. The child has been dropped off to school safely. He has reached office on time. The breakfast was delicious & they finished it. And he has forgotten to give the laundry to the washer man. I call him up. Yes, he has taken his medicines on time. He will pick up the groceries on the way. And would love to have butter chicken for dinner tonight. We vouch our love for each other. And the work day starts.

The clock ticks away with print-outs, emails & phone calls. Before I realize, it is time for lunch. I call up the Husband to find out whether he had his lunch. Yes he did. And it was ‘ok’. As I gather my lunch box and head for the canteen once again, that familiar feeling of restlessness is back. Are you out there? Will you talk to me this time? Am I looking good? I run my fingers through my hair & adjust my dress. The place is almost packed to the brim but I manage to find a corner. As I delve into my chapati & dal, I furiously search for you in the crowd. There you are, at the Juice counter, ordering yourself a pineapple shake. Our eyes meet briefly. We exchange smiles. Yours courteous. Mine mixed with a blush. As if you have caught me red-handed.

I am joyful for the rest of my day. Because you noticed me? Maybe. Because you smiled at me? Can be. Well, my day at work comes to an end. On my way home, I think about you a lot. Did you actually notice me today? Why did you have juice for lunch? Does your wife not cook for you? How does she look like? Have you ever fought?

I reach home. The child runs into my arms. The house is a mess. Dinner is yet to be cooked. I tackle each of them, one after the other. By the time I finish, the Husband has come back from work. From the look on his face I gather that has had a tiring day. All freshened up, we sit down for dinner. The chicken tastes good & the conversation flows. The child has scored well in school today & the proud parents exchange meaningful glances.

Happy & spent, we retire for the day. The child dozes off to sleep. We stay awake, huddled together, gazing through the window into the vast night sky, breathing in each other’s familiar smell. We talk about how the day was. About how exhausted we are. And how much we love each other. We plan for the weekend. And for the future. We fall asleep. Together. As a family. You are forgotten.

But you exist. Unaware of my existence, or at least my feelings, you live in a parallel universe.

You make me happy. Yet, you are not a part of my happiness.

You are the hope that makes me survive through the day. You are the thought that keeps my dullness away. You bring me back the sheen that the years have taken away. You take with you the monotony that a decade of marriage has brought in. You make me feel young. You make me want to be wanted again. But no, I am not in love. Not with you.