The Inner Voice

A speeding train crossing the river creek. A whiff of fresh air on my face. Dishevels my hair. Reminds me of you. So distant yet so near. A relationship unnamed. A feeling untold. A memory bank. We meet every day. Everywhere. Sometimes you have a face. Or a smell. A vague recollection, a shape, maybe. Yet, you make me happy. A troubled day, a lonely soul, a happy moment, well, any kind of emotion and you’re there with me. So often have I chased you, pinned you down, panting, just to unmask your face. But every time you evade me, only to come across and hug me as a different entity. On days when I’ve felt I really cannot take it any longer, you have embraced me, held me by the hand and told me to be patient. This too, shall pass, you say. And miraculously enough, I have survived. Every morning, you tell me, ‘It’s a brand new day girl! Go get it!’ and I spring out of bed, all armed, ready for the day’s battle.

Sometimes, when I pack my kid’s lunch box, I drift away to that distant dreamland called home. I see Mother rushing through the house, her Sari all tied up around the waist, ladle in one hand, my tiffin box in the other. “What? You’re not yet ready? The bus will arrive any moment now!”, she says. Who is it that I feel standing next to me, reliving the moments with me? Is it not you? As I walk in the street, all alone, bitter after a fight, hungry for love, craving for respect, who is it I encounter at the corner? I hold my breath as I look at you, so beautiful, so serene. You smile to show that reciprocate my feelings, and I feel wanted once again.

Who are you? Are you the ‘Whats-app’ beep on my phone, reminding me that someone somewhere remembers me? Or a friend I like spending my time with? That little speck of unfulfilled desire lying deep within me somewhere which lures me to go on? The quest for happiness? Are you the mystery I grew up with, my tooth fairy, my Santa Claus, my M&B hero? Maybe. Maybe not. But I  lovingly think of you as the dear old good spirit in me. And I like to think that it is you they refer to when the intellectuals talk about inner strength.